My husband and daughter are both in Manila right now for their vacation but my daughter will be staying there for a month more. I know this yearly routine of sending her off to Manila for her to bond with our families should be well-accepted by yours truly by now. But I don't know why I can't seem to get passed the stage of letting my daughter go. Every year, I just have to cry my heart out because I miss her so much. Every single year, I go through this state like a wreck! My sister even chided me, "Don't you get used to it?" My response is always the same - "NO, I don't."
This is what it feels like to be a mother I suppose. I feel that part of myself has gotten transferred to my little princess when I gave birth to her. I just want to hold on to her not realizing that she is growing up so fast for me to take it all in. A classic example is a long distance call I made this morning. I asked her if she wants to come back here in Dubai now. She replied, "Maybe YES, maybe NO." I said, "What?!? Last time I checked, you did not want to go there so what gives?" To which she replied with "Mama, let me enjoy myself here first." And that was it. I did not utter any more word because I felt a tightness in my chest. To hear her say those words kind of zapped me back to reality. I guess I am holding on too much. One day, she will be all grown up ready to take the world on her own without me to hold her little hands and guide her.
I don't know if I am exaggerating or just having my hormonal imbalance thing but I feel hurt when she said those to me. Doesn't she miss me? Does she just prefer to be with my in-laws and not me? Are they smothering her with materials things I cannot provide for? Are they buying her affection? I know these are weird questions running in my head. I am a bit jealous, I admit that. Feeling that makes me more human.
Right now, as I write this blog, my head is in a blur. I feel pain, a little resentment to some people who have no iota of an idea as to what is happening, a bit angry, insecure and a tad green with jealousy. These are all negative emotions boiling inside me. I guess I was just caught off guard when my daughter told me that. I thought I am always her super-mom, her idol, her role model, her number one. Then again, maybe not.